When Marriage Hurts: A Pastoral Encouragement for Those Going Through It

Over the years, I’ve watched more marriages fall apart than I ever imagined I would when I first stepped into ministry. Not just names on a counseling calendar—people I’ve shared meals with, raised kids alongside, prayed with, laughed with, and believed with. Couples who sat next to us in worship, served with us, built their homes on the same foundation as ours. Couples we assumed we’d grow old with. 

And then it happens. Not always with shouting or drama. Sometimes it’s the silence first. Then a slow drift. Then one day you realize they’ve split rooms, or split bank accounts, or just… split.  

I’ve walked with a lot of husbands and wives in that space. Sometimes in my office. Sometimes in a car. Sometimes in a parking lot because they couldn’t go home yet. Listening, praying, piecing together whatever was left. Out of all the stories, I can only think of a few couples who turned it around. By God’s grace, they’re still together – imperfectly, honestly, and with the scars to prove it – but they’re together.  

The few stories give me hope; the rest remind me just how heavy marriage can feel.  

1. For those in a hard season of marriage  

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)  

If you feel alone in your own home; if conversations have turned into conflict or silence; if staying hurts and leaving feels unthinkable, please hear me: You are not the only one. Struggle doesn’t mean you blew it. Marriage always stretches you past what feels fair or doable. You weren’t meant to do it in your strength. Before you shut it all down, please let somebody in. A counselor. A pastor. A friend who actually prays. Coming out into the light with faithful friends and counselors is the best opportunity to experience help and healing. I’ve seen too many times how isolation just makes the wounds fester. 

2. For those still married, but just drifting  

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8)  

Many marriages that end don’t end with a blowup…they just slowly fade away. Maybe you’re in a marriage where you still care for each other, but there’s no real pursuit, no prayer, little laughter, and rarely tenderness anymore. Maybe life and kids and schedules and exhaustion have replaced intention with autopilot. Maybe you feel more partnership in the business of life than wedded bliss.

That doesn’t mean it’s over. Small choices still matter more than people think – humility, apologizing first, praying even when it’s awkward, small acts of kindness, turning the screens off to have real conversation, asking for help before it’s too late. I still believe the God who rose from the dead God can breathe life into things that have flatlined. 

3. For those carrying the weight of divorce  

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 8:1)  

Divorce is brutal…it doesn’t matter how it happened…but it is not your identity, and it’s not the end of your story. Jesus didn’t shame people whose relationships were messy or broken. Think about the woman at the well (5 marriages deep and relationally exhausted). Jesus met her with truth, dignity, and invitation. He did not define her by what fell apart, instead, he pointed her forward.  

If you’re walking through the aftermath (shocked, grieving, healing, or just trying to stay  upright) God has not stepped out on you. There may be forgiveness to walk through, grief to name, identity to anchor again, but there is not condemnation in Christ. None. Listen to Jesus:  “Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matt. 11:28)  

And if being “at church” feels awkward right now – if you’re worried people are whispering or  watching – please know this: the Church was never meant to be a community for the polished, but a community of wounded people, seeking healing in Christ, together. You don’t have to  pretend. You don’t have to disappear. You still belong.  

A Final Word of Hope  

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)  

I’ve seen real pain up close, but I’ve also seen God restore, redeem, and surprise us with grace. Don’t carry your story alone. Don’t assume it’s too late. And don’t forget: you are loved more than you know, right where you are.